CHAPTER 8 Solitude
“To make the right choices in life, you have to get in touch with your soul. To do this you need to experience solitude, which most people are afraid of because in the silence you hear the truth and know the solutions.”
The unfortunate part about this reality is that most people on earth will never experience the depth or the significance of true and absolute solitude.
Today, being alone is somehow equated to being weak, weird, “less than,” lonely, and/or miserable. For some reason, many are ashamed to reside in solitude, to be in tune with what’s inside.
For instance, would you ever consider going alone to a social event, assuming you’re familiar with the people and/or surroundings? Most of you more than likely would not. But why not?
I understand that people like being accompanied in the world we live in now, for safety reasons, but I think a lot of the concern is in our heads. You don’t need a “squad” for every single place you go to?
Ask yourself why you’re so resistant to being alone. From what are you hiding?
What don’t you want people to realize about you?
What don’t you want to admit to yourself about yourself?
How long are you going to put up a front?
As I was preparing to write this chapter, I realized that I’ve lived in solitude for the past eight years, but I still hadn’t spoken on it in depth. I think that being reluctant to be alone has more to do with internal factors than external ones.
The current generation, in general, is socially awkward; everything is done for show. People may think they should go to a certain place with this person or that person because everyone is going to be there, and they don’t want anyone to think they don’t have friends; they don’t want to look dumb or weak.
I think that’s pathetic.
Go by yourself. Market yourself. Show your confidence and your security. In the end, you’ll get all the attention you’re looking for, and people will be attracted to you for all the right reasons.
Next question: do you like to sit in a space and just think about life? No phone. No Wi-Fi. No pen or pencil. No computers. No games. Just you, your thoughts, and God.
I do this all the time. I take myself away because I am always tuned into what’s happening, and it wears on my mental, emotional, and spiritual being. Because of social media, we’re often expected to be “in the know.” We rarely stop to take it all in.
Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have.
In general, most people are afraid of being alone. As for me, I’d much rather go anywhere alone than to be with people all the time, especially those whose character or energy I don’t care for. I frequently say, “I don’t like people.” I usually say it with a smile or a little chuckle, but I am dead serious. People get on my nerves and can be annoying.
I’m not antisocial, but I do appreciate my “me” time. And I’m learning not to feel bad for making time for myself because giving people too much of me has consistently contributed to my downfall and hindered my elevation. It’s suffocating.
I love and respect myself too much to engage in activities or interact with people who threaten my peace of mind. I just like to be left alone sometimes, and I don’t think that’s bad. I like to be in my own space, in my own thoughts, and in my element, just vibin’, because this is where I begin to manifest. My need for solitude might have to do with my moody personality initially, but regardless serves a greater purpose. Everyone needs some solo time periodically.
I’m not encouraging you to fall off the face of the earth or isolate yourself from life; that’s not healthy. Just be selective and be observant of those around you.
Think about it: how can you be serious about you if you are never solely with just you? The answer—and I want to make this very clear—is that you can’t. Those who say they’re serious about themselves and their endeavors but never are alone are kidding themselves. It’s that simple.
Get your mind right, and stop playing yourself because we see you.
I want you to find bliss in companionship, to find a home in another being whom God has prepared for you. But first, I want you to reach all that your heart desires in you. Discover genuine comfort and wholeness in you. Create a safe haven and nurture it daily—for you—first.
If you don’t, seeking those things in another, will never work. Being in solitude for a time is the root of everlasting tranquility. Find it. You can be alone and still be happy. You can be alone and not be lonely.
A lot of people have told me, “You’re lonely. That’s why you’re bitter.”
But I’m not lonely, and I’m very loved. When I’m alone, it is by choice.
Being alone and content is not the same as being lonely and depressed. Now more than ever, I know the importance of working on myself and of perfecting me, my craft, my joys, and my pleasures of my heart.
I do admit, though, that making me the greatest I can be before sharing myself, my space, and my life with another is tough. I’m not sure why, but I tend to push love and warmth away the second I feel it, yet it’s the very thing I’d give my life to have.
I don’t understand my own logic; I have no idea why I do it, but I know that God has not forgotten about me. His timing is perfect, and that is all I need.
Some people struggle with solitude, doing their best to avoid it, and they shame others who enjoy it. Some will never know themselves. They will never know what it’s like to face themselves. They condemn and run away from everything that reflects them and their natures, every chance they get. Don’t blame others if you’re constantly defined by someone’s idea of you, based on their ideologies and beliefs. That’s no one’s fault but your own.
Of course, it’s possible to have lonely moments when in solitude.
It is not easy.
It is not easy.
It is not easy.
It is not easy.
But nothing worthwhile ever is easy, my darling.
The truth is that I still have days when I question everything about me and why I am here. But then, I just figure, Well, would I really be if the world didn’t need me? No, I wouldn’t. It’s clear that the universe is very particular and that God is intentional. With that dynamic combination, how could I ever have any doubt? I couldn’t. I am here for a reason, not for a season, and so are you.
Basking in solitude and walking in it confidently sets the ultimate tone for strength. It prepares you for knowing how to get through hell without being dependent on anyone. Although I get criticized for boasting about my solitude, I still thrive.
I still go on.
I still learn.
I still pray.
And my life still carries on faithfully.
People often fail to realize the connectivity of it all. I choose to be alone because I feel it’s a waste of time to try to get others to see me and my perspective and to feel me when they weren’t meant to do so. Things like that must come organically or not at all.
It’s a choice, and I choose me. This concept is something that half-grown, shadowed minds will never grasp. I am mature enough to admit that I have lonely moments, some days more than others. Some days are darker than others, but I also know that I’m never truly alone. Thank you, heavenly Father; you always bring me back.
Some say, “She’s alone now, but she won’t be alone for long.” You can bet on that. For those of you who have a fear of yourself, don’t worry about my journey of getting to know myself.
Queen, big changes are coming. Even though the process may be painful, rest assured that the end shall speak. Whatever you feel you are losing will be restored. ... You are being realigned and recalibrated because it’s time to fulfill your soul’s purpose. Don’t get side tracked nor distracted. This is what awakening feels like.
-“The Queen Code”
Some have said that in the end, all you have is yourself. I agree. Solitude is bliss. “Without great solitude, no serious work is possible.”
Many people are confused by or stressing over someone other than themselves. I am here to tell you to stop. Stop wasting your precious time because you don’t get it back. He or she isn’t worth it—not at all.
As hard as it might be, stop worrying about the wrong things. Let it go, and trust the process. If you are meant to be with someone, you will be. Let it go, and pray that everything comes full circle. If anything, you shared with another mind, body, and soul was genuine, then it will come back.
Be at peace with knowing you gave your all, knowing you’re still a work in progress, and knowing that you genuinely tried the best you could for something or someone you believed in.
Plant your garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
—Jorge Luis Borges
Live your life.
Travel the world.
Fall in and out of love.
Make mistakes, and learn as much as you can
Don’t sweat the small stuff.
Give out the energy you want to receive.
I’m learning to appreciate loss. Anything that’s meant to journey with me can’t leave me, no matter how hard it tries. Forcing relationships equates to being stagnant, and I can’t do that. Moving backward never is an option.
The only thing I can do is move forward, and I hope I see you there.”
Excerpt From: Chántelle Adanna Agbro. “My Soul Told On Me.” iBooks.