Do you all ever have those nights when you're in a good sleep but then all of a sudden you wake up out of nowhere?
Yeah well whether you have or not, that's exactly what happen to me a couple of nights ago. It was so random, at around 3 in the morning I literally just woke up and I was very confused and irritated that I was up because it takes me forever to go back to sleep.
So in order to kill time, I went on Instagram and while I was scrolling I saw a post that said something like:
"When you're up in the middle of the night with no reason, it's God calling your attention to him because now is when you have time."
I thought: " Well, that wasn't a coincidence."
So I got off my phone laid down and closed my eyes, as if to say, "God, I am all yours."
I've always wondered what it meant when I would dream about certain things or when certain things would happen "randomly" that just didn't seem to add up at the time.
What does it mean?
Why do things like that happen?
Why can't I describe the feeling I have constantly in relation to my past, present, and future?
So many questionssssssssss, I know, but that's just how my mind works, so bare with me. However, the fact still stood that, God woke me up to talk, so I stayed up.
As I laid there on my pillow, I started to think about my life, very heavily.
**Lord knows I hate when this happens because again I create even more unanswered questions and it stresses me out that some I may never get the answers too.**
My thoughts: "Is it crazy that I have no thoughts of graduate school after undergrad?"
"Am I crazy to think that when my book is finally published that it will just be a matter of time before my life takes off?"
"Am I crazy to think that one day, very soon, that I will be working and connecting with some of the most influential and creative artist in the world?"
I don't know, my thoughts are all over the place and it seems like there is never any direction to them. The only thing I do know that must stay consistent is me putting God first, so I do.
Sometimes I feel bad for worrying though. I
feel bad for not fully trusting how things may look now, does not reflect what they will look like tomorrow.
I mean how can I claim to be all for God if sometimes I still hold back, I still predict failure, and I still slightly expect to be let down?
How do I stop this sliver of doubt that always seems to be present even when I can see things unfolding right in front of me in my favor?
Why do I still have that expectation to be disappointed and hurt? Things seem too good to be true, that's why.
Yes, I worked for it, yes I have achieved it, but just because I obtained it for a moment, the question for me always resides,
"Well I wonder how long this will last?"
Am I the only one who ponders over things of this nature?
How do I genuinely get my hopes up again?
I do not want to live my life like this. I really don't. Always feeling like everything is up in the air, is not cool.
Sometimes I would just like to know that I'm being realistic when I express my vision. (Now
I understand why people advocate to create your own world because it's where you set the limits, if you set any.)
I'm still tired of feeling incomplete, to a certain extent all the time.
I'm tired of feeling broken, to a certain extent all the time.
I ask myself and God a lot, "Am I lying to myself when I say: "I'm happy"?
Because when I say it, I feel there are many ways to interpret that answer. I say it in the context that I'm happy in that moment and maybe a couple days after that but my happiness seems to fluctuate. How do I get it back sturdy?
I can tell you right now there are aspects of my life that I'm not happy with and others I am. So I'm not sure if that specific feeling can necessarily be placed under one label.
Note: "Creative, expressive, transparent, and fluid people especially, for the most part,
DO NOT LIKE LABELS!"
Is that you?
I walk around and I will be genuinely happy or in a good head space for a moment, (sometimes a long moment sometimes short), but then it dwindles.
My fire starts to fade and I don't know why.
"Things will get better." they always say and I have no doubt in this statement. Yet, that truth for some reason never seems enough to stop the repetitive emotions of confusion, sadness, and worry I STILL have.
Anyone ever felt like your breaking point is beating your breakthrough?
Yep, that's me at times.
"It's funny how we feel so much but we don't say a word, we're screaming inside but we can't be heard."
- Sarah McLacHlan
As much as the past should not affect the way I am emotionally today, it does, and I don't know how to control it.
They say, "You're in control of how you feel.", but that control , I find, is temporary. Sometimes as humans we just go through things and feel things that we can't tame. It all becomes bigger than us.
So, the question still remains, what do you do then?
I need to know...
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